healing

Been meaning to write this story for a while now, but haven't had the time. At one of my recent slumber parties we decided to make videos for a "time capsule" since the world was supposedly ending the next day :) I love my friends. haha So! I just thought I'd share.

Oh and I didn't know this when I made the video, but my grandma is now HOME. :) PRAISE JESUS!!

all the angels cry out

So I realize it's been an eternity since I last wrote. I sincerely apologize to those of you who have been desperately running to your computer every morning to check this website for a new post.

A LOT has happened since I last wrote, though I'm still struggling with what I last posted about. But much growth has also come in the past month. I don't always notice it, and I usually get frustrated with myself and my growth pace, so most days I'm just reminding myself that God is pretty great and He is molding me in His timing. He gives me so much grace!

Today I ran a 10k (6.2 miles) in Valpo, and it was probably my favorite part of the day. I LOVE races, which is funny because I'm not competitive AT ALL. There's just something about them. The running culture is so interesting to me. Races draw so many different people. There are old, seasoned runners with muscles protruding from wrinkled, saggy skin. There are young runners in their prime. There are new runners whose appetite for miles is smaller than they had originally thought. There are people running for health purposes and those running to mark off something on their bucket list. There are people who were made to run and those who make themselves run. There is so much diversity! Today 3100 runners were registered to race in the 2012 Valparaiso Turkey Trot 5K/10K. Right as we started I just kind of got overwhelmed at what an amazing opportunity this was to touch so many different lives. I was seeing people I will probably never see again, and I wanted to make the most of this opportunity. So I prayed for people and spoke life and blessings over them as I passed them or vice versa. If I noticed someone struggling to run, I'd pray for healing in their legs/feet, a corrected stride, strength to their bodies, anything really. If I noticed someone losing their fight, I kept thinking to myself, "You are way too awesome to let me beat you." And then they would speed up just a bit. haha! It was great! I've done this before in races... especially in my half-marathon, but it was mostly just to pass time. This time I put intention behind it and had such a blast. My favorite part was listening to this song and literally singing aloud through my gasps of breath, "All the angels cry out HOLY IS THE LORD. All the earth replies HOLY ARE YOU!" and just singing (or rather, wheezing) "Alleluia!" over people I was passing. I wasn't trying to "win them over" or convert them, I was just worshiping and letting the holiness of the Lord rest on those people. BEST! 

I've had so many crazy things happen since I've been here. Crazy awesome things, that is. I'm not sure how to go back and relive everything. Mostly I'm just stepping more into who God has called me to be each day. We just took a spiritual gifts assessment recently for church, and two of my gifts in particular were brought to the light. One of my top gifts is encouragement, and soon after I had taken the assessment, I got prophesied over that I had the spirit of Barnabus on me, who was called the Son of Encouragement. Another one of my gifts is intercession and I've recently been waking up in the middle of the night with countries or people on my mind. One night I woke up and couldn't stop repeating the countries Sumatra and Sudan in my mind. Two nights ago I woke up thinking about a guy from work. And neither of these were brief thoughts. It was like I couldn't go to sleep or erase them from my mind if I tried.

So basically I'm learning a lot about what it looks like to truly step into my new creation. I fail a lot. But I'm learning something every day.

I had a really rough time this week. One of the main things I've learned since coming here is how important expectation and hope are. But the hardest thing about expectation and hope is holding on to them. Another hard thing is hoping for things that can only be done in God's power. EXPECTING God to move. Because then control is out of your hands and you have to practice trusting in God's promises and goodness. I'm also trying to manage disappointment in the midst of hope and expectation. When I put my hope in God and things don't work out the way I thought they would, how am I supposed to respond? Is it okay to be sad or angry or hurt? How do I manage doubt and confusion and questions? How do I maintain or even INCREASE my expectancy the next time when my experience hasn't been hope fulfilled? Is there a way to guard my heart against disappointment while still hoping extravagantly? I'm still trying to sort through these questions, but I think the only thing I've come up with so far is just renewing my mind and meditating on his promises.

He's promised to work all things together for good to those who love him. (Romans 8:28)
He's promised to generously pour out the Holy Spirit, wisdom, and grace. (Luke 11:13; James 1:5; James 5:6)
He's promised to always be with us. (Matthew 28:20)
He's promised us plans of prosperity, hope, and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Anyway, your prayers for me in this area would be so greatly appreciated! I want to hope beyond all reason because I know God is GOOD BEYOND ALL REASON!!!! I want to expect great things as though I've never experienced any lack.

I also want you to know that your prayers are so powerful. Prayer isn't a toothpick in the midst of power tools. PRAYER IS A POWER TOOL.

I talked to my mom tonight and just found out my grandma went to the ER last night with severe back pain. She was having trouble all day today with pain because they didn't have the right dosage of medication for her yet. When I hung up with my mom, I prayed that God would touch my grandma and with that touch bring deep rest, healing, peace, and overwhelming love. My mom just called and said, "I just wanted to let you know that ten minutes after I got off the phone with you, Grandma fell asleep and she's been sleeping soundly for the past hour."

Please know your prayers never go unheard. Your prayers are powerful and effective! Thank you for those of you who have been praying me through this journey. Neither of us might ever know the full effect they have had until we get on the other side, but I know God is constantly in my midst. Things have been blocked from harming me because of your prayers and God's goodness. Growth has been accelerated because of your prayers and God's goodness. I have made amazing friends because of your prayers and God's goodness! I feel AT HOME here because of your prayers and God's goodness. I have a part-time job, but am easily able to afford rent, food, and gas because of your prayers and God's GREAT GOODNESS. I love you guys so much. Thank you for being part of my journey and investing in the things of my heart. 

fun

I think one of the biggest truths that I've missed in my life is that God is FUN. I noticed something about myself this week in class. We always start out with a time of worship, and yesterday Jason said, "Worship out of a place of victory." To me, victory means celebration, joy, triumph, freedom and... dancing. haha I don't know what the deal is with me and dancing lately -- maybe it's just a new season or maybe God is rekindling something that I lost for a long time.

Anyway, so I was just ready to dance. I wanted to. But I stood there and it was like my left foot was rooted to the ground. I moved freer than I normally do, but it wasn't full or complete.

My thoughts today kept coming back to that. Why do I feel free to express passion and joy and life in private and not publicly with my brothers and sisters in Christ? To be honest, I'm embarrassed to reveal that passion around other people. I've never really considered these things before, but today I think God just revealed that this is a stronghold in my life. There is literally something in me that inhibits me from feeling free in the church.

There are certain things that are overtly taught to us from a young age. Don't pick your nose in public. Don't run in the hallway. Always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Do unto others as you would do unto them.

Then there are those under-the-table teachings that most likely no one tells you right out is wrong, but simple observation would let you know that it isn't appropriate. For example:

If you have an opinion about something that everyone else you are with disagrees with, it's probably best you don't say anything.

There's an appropriate level and time period for loving someone, and any love expressed above the level of expectation or before the expected period of time is awkward and makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

If you have a dream that sounds far-fetched, you should never speak it aloud when people ask you what you want to do with your life. Always have a reasonable plan-B career to discuss with people because practicality is more important than hope. After all, how many people ACTUALLY become astronauts, presidents, professional singers or athletes?

People who are free-spirited and express themselves differently than you do are scary and probably have something wrong with them.

And lastly, church is a place you go on Sundays to worship God in reflective thought, not in passionate emotion. It's a place where praise is expressed solely through song and word of mouth; church is the "i before e EXCEPT after c" exception where actions do NOT speak louder than words because the actions (regardless of what they are: raising hands, dancing, clapping, laughing, etc.) might offend people, be distracting to others, or cause a whole host of other problems.

I'm sure I adopted this mindset very early on without even realizing it. And up until this point, it hasn't been a problem. But recently, I feel like words aren't doing justice. Recently I feel like "my all" is stretching beyond a good harmony, closed eyes, or even uplifted hands. There's more I have to offer. I have joy to give! I have innocence and childlike simplicity to give. I have passion and creativity to give. Those are the things I feel racing through my body when I dance before the Lord. And that is something that I'm embarrassed to even write!

There's a deep and tricky lie that is easily missed. It's something between experience and identity. We sometimes take on this false humility that messes with our identity. Like just because I run doesn't mean I'm a runner. Just because I sing doesn't mean I'm a singer. Just because I dance doesn't mean I'm a dancer. It's like if we didn't work for it, we don't feel worthy of the title. But this is so opposite from a kingdom perspective.

Jesus says believe in me, accept me AS YOU ARE and I declare you are my daughter. With all your sin, all your junk, all your baggage, your past, I adopt you and you become royalty. And because you are adopted, you are clean. You are no longer a sinner, but a saint.

But Satan loves to question us and make us doubt who we really are. He questioned Jesus' identity in the wilderness. "IF you're REALLY the Son of God... do this. PROVE IT." In other words, work for it. Prove yourself. SHOW me.

So instead of confidently saying because I dance, I am a dancer, I am bombarded with accusations that question my identity. "IF you were REALLY a dancer, you would have had lessons when you were younger, you would be thinner, more graceful, you would have the GIFT of dancing (in other words, raw talent). IF you were REALLY a dancer, Katie, you would be able to catch on to choreography faster and you would be able to leap and twirl in a way that takes people's breath away. You aren't anything special and you CERTAINLY aren't a dancer. You didn't work for this. You haven't done ANYTHING to prove you're a dancer. You don't look like a professional when you dance, therefore, you are an embarrassment."

But God says, "I love it when you dance for me. It makes me happy. I think you look beautiful when you are dancing. I created you to do this in your very own way. No one else dances like you. It is special and unique to you. You don't have to do anything to earn this title because I gave it to you! It's part of who you are because that's how I made you. Just like your brown hair and blue eyes are concrete, so is your identity as my daughter, a singer, a runner, a dancer, and so much more that you haven't even discovered yet! I have sooo many things in store for you. I'm excited that you're discovering this new piece of you. There are more pieces to the puzzle of your life than you could ever guess, and the finished product takes MY breath away! You have never embarrassed me. I'm proud of you, daughter. You are part of my heart."

So Jesus, I rebuke Satan's lies. I lay down this mindset. I lay down the lie that I have to come packaged a certain way to be acceptable and pleasing to you. I choose to believe what you say about me instead of the lies that I'm not good enough. I just ask that you would break this stronghold and truly set me free during worship, breaking down all my inhibitions, fears, and embarrassment. I declare that your pleasure and delight in me far exceeds any judgement or criticism I may receive from anyone else. Thank you God for stirring this new desire in me and I just pray you would help me embrace it and claim it as my own. I praise you that I am not of those who shrink back, but that I belong to those who believe -- in your freedom, goodness, faithfulness, playfulness, and light. As you shatter this lie from my heart and mind I just ask that you would replace it with a new trust, intimacy and confidence in and with your Holy Spirit.
Let your love wash over me and sweep me away. Set in me a fire that I can't contain with words, that I can't control with rooted feet. But blaze in me so that your Spirit rests on everyone I look at, touch, speak to, or share air with. Remind me again and again who I belong to. Sing over me that I am yours. As my inhibitions decrease, your Spirit increases in me in Jesus name.

the winter has gone, the springtime has come

It's been awhile since I've written, but not because there hasn't been anything to write about! More like there is so much to write about I don't really know where to start. Sometimes the pace of my life right now is overwhelming when I try to think about how to put it into words. It's not overwhelming living it, but explaining it. ha! I like that.

Last night we learned about different ways God speaks to us. There is of course the still small voice that many of us are accustomed to hearing or at least know about. But then there is also sometimes an audible voice, as if He were right there in the room speaking to you like anyone else would -- not internal, but an external voice. Then there are other ways like pictures in your mind (similar to the still, small voice, but in picture form -- you might question if it was you or God), open visions where you literally see something before you that no one else is seeing, unusual circumstances (like Moses and the burning bush), things in nature, pain in your body that you recognize isn't your own (for healing purposes), or sometimes patterns.

When he talked about God speaking in patterns he gave the example of how he stayed in a motel in two different cities within days of each other and both room numbers he got were 555. He noticed the pattern and asked God what he was saying to him. So when he said that, it reminded me of a couple weeks ago when I kept waking up at the same time (without an alarm clock -- a miracle in itself for me) several days in a row. I remember thinking, "Well God I guess this is our new time together." But just hearing his testimony reminded me of it and gave me a new perspective on it, like maybe God was trying to give me a verse or tell me something. I thought the time had been 7:44am, so I wrote it down in my notes. This morning I woke up (groggy, but aware) at 7:43am. I looked up verses with 7:43-44 or 74:3 or 74:4, but none of them seem significant to me. I'm still asking God what he's up to, but I'm excited to become more sensitive to this way of him speaking.

In my groggy state this morning as I was trying to figure out the meaning of the time, the thought, "Dance" crossed my mind. I don't know if it was God or not. I debated for several minutes. The debate went like this: "God is that you?" *silence* I was still so sleepy and cozy under my covers, but I decided if it was God I didn't want to miss an opportunity to obey and if it wasn't God the worst thing that would happen is losing an hour of sleep. It was worth the risk. My ipod was sitting on a table right across from my bed, so I flung myself out from my cocoon before I changed my mind, put my earphones in and started dancing. Most people don't know this, but dancing with/for Jesus is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Not usually at 7:43 in the morning (well... it was 7:49am before I finally decided to get up), but I just love dancing for God. It is the most freeing thing I can think of and I feel so much joy and pleasure when I do. So far, it's my favorite way to worship (in the privacy of my own bedroom/parking lot/isolated grassy area for now... I'm still developing my personal dancing history before I get bold and go public with it). I love singing, but sometimes I get distracted with melodies/harmonies instead of just letting my heart sing. But with dancing, my body just goes. I have no training to get in the way of my freedom, I just get to dance without strings. So this morning I was immediately awake once I started dancing, and I couldn't help but be filled with joy. I laughed and smiled and danced and jumped and accidentally hit my hand on my ceiling light once. haha It was just so intimate and wonderful. The best way to wake up, for sure.

God is stretching me. He's also breaking off lies I've believed about him and is teaching me to hope extravagantly.

On Friday I did one of the most terrifying things I can think of -- I prophesied over someone. I've never had the desire or confidence to do this IN MY LIFE (and I didn't really on Friday either haha), but I had the opportunity to respond out of fear or faith and I decided to try out faith. I don't want to partner with fear anymore. I decided to do it on Wednesday and was immediately seized with fear, but on Thursday I had no fears at all. I literally experienced a peace that passed ALL understanding. You guys don't even know... on Wednesday I was going over to have dinner with the director of my school, Jason, and his wife and I freaked out about THAT all night Tuesday and all day Wednesday up until the time that I got there. I freaked out over a DINNER, yet I was somehow surrounded by peace the day before I was going to prophesy over someone for the first time. And this wasn't going to just be a "someone," because it was taking place at a leaders conference being held at the church. I was supposed to prophesy over leaders! HAHAA The email I got said, "We have a ministry opportunity for those students we feel are ready." Lets just laugh at that. I looked at the other names on the email. More laughing. "One of these things is not like the other!" And this thing is KATIE JOHNSON.

Well Friday came and I was like desperately asking God to show up because I knew without him I had nothing to offer. There was a time of worship and Jason prayed for me and gently said (with obvious amusement at the very pale, very numb, and slightly panicked Katie he was seeing), "God is giving you everything you need for this moment." I mumbled, "Yeah, I know," while actually trying very hard to convince myself that that was true. Finally the time came for me to awkwardly stand at the front of the church and pretend I knew what I was doing. We were each paired with a person on Steve Backlund's (the speaker for the weekend) team and Jason stood by me and told Kim, my partner, that I had never done this before. She was so great and so sweet. She lit up and said, "Oooh how exciting! I'll help you! It's so easy." Lets just laugh at that also. We got three people in our line and I prophesied over two of them. I honestly have no idea if they were accurate words or if I just imagined them out of the blue, but I had been asking God all day to show up and speak through me and I believe that He did. Because He is very, very good even when doubts and fears and panic are flying all over his daughter.

SO! That, for me, was a very, very large step. After it was over Jason high fived me and said, "Baby steps." Lets just laugh at that. HA! If that was a baby step, I would hate to see what a toddler sized step looks like! But I am very sure that I will eventually encounter one.

In other news, I'm pretty sure one of our mission trips this year will be to Haiti and I am beyond excited! I'll have to raise my own support, so when I find out the cost I'll be sure to post more on that for anyone interested in backing me financially.

I guess that's all for now. I have bible outlines to finish before 6 tonight! Whoops! This week has been crazy busy what with all the worrying, prophesying, bonfires and new friends. It has been spectacular :) I love busy weeks here because it makes the gap between Tuesday and Sunday (when there is no class) seem shorter. I never thought I could love going to school! I am massively blessed to be here.

spirit of wisdom, spirit of revelation

This song has been running through my head this morning as I drink my coffee with God. I had a dream last night that I remembered and I frantically got paper out and wrote it down as soon as I woke up. haha! Can't wait to look at those scribbles later. If you want to pray for me, please pray that I will remember my dreams every night.

seeker

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God places all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." - Ephesians 1:17-23

If you weren't utterly amazed while reading those verses, I highly suggest you read over them again, slowly and deliberately and out loud. I love these verses and I think this might be one of those most powerful prayers in the Bible. I would be so honored if those of you reading this would pray this same exact thing for me. These are all the things I'm longing for and in need of so badly. I so desire wisdom and revelation, knowledge of the hope to which he called me, to experience the same power which raised Jesus from the dead, and to encounter the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE STEPPING INTO THIS CALL GOD HAS FOR ME!!!

So I guess I'll finally explain a little bit about the school, since I never really did :)

I am attending Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry Chicagoland. It's a branch off the original BSSM school in Redding, California (which I was considering also when applying here). I'm never really sure what to tell people when they ask what I'm going here for. The reason I'm here is because I'm seeking an intimacy with God that I haven't found yet, and because of things at Jesus Culture, I knew the intimacy I wanted could be found here. I saw it in the leaders at that conference, which was the first time I ever really saw Jesus in someone else and wanted it so badly, knowing I didn't have the same level of intimacy.  But here I go, getting off track again :)

BSSMC's (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry - Chicagoland/Valparaiso) vision is "to unleash dangerously happy, empowered teams of Royal Sons and Daughters to restore every area of society to its God-given destiny. They will heal the sick, raise the dead, rescue slaves and restore hope -- transforming nations through the creative love and power of the Holy Spirit." Basically they are producing revivalists to follow God's leading and listen to His voice every day in every situation.

Some of you might be like me and are afraid of the word "supernatural" and may or may not leave that word out when explaining to the average Joe what school I'm going to. ha! Well I'm becoming more comfortable with it the more I understand it. First of all, God is supernatural. I actually just looked up the word and my dictionary says supernatural is "attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature." It also says supernatural is "extraordinarily great." Well both of those make sense for God. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9 We will never be able to explain everything about God. If we could, God would be the same size as our brains, and I for one am very, very thankful God is bigger than my brain!

Some of you might also be concerned with the role of the Holy Spirit here. I've always had reservations about the Holy Spirit. I've been raised in a Baptist church my whole life where the Holy Spirit was never really talked about or explained. We believed in him, of course, as part of the trinity, but that was about as far as my understanding went. Bethel is driven by the Holy Spirit. They are a charismatic and Spirit filled church and school. And I know without a doubt God waited until this season in my life to lead me here. I just can't get over how perfect His timing is. My curiosity about the Holy Spirit started in high school, although "curiosity" really just means I asked a lot of questions and doubted the answers I got to all of them. I was always very skeptical. And it was always just a really scary topic for me. I was hearing all kinds of different things and I didn't know what to believe or what it all meant. But the more I went back to scripture, the more I couldn't deny the importance of the Holy Spirit. And it's just so cool to go back and look at how my understanding has changed throughout the years. At one point in my life the Holy Spirit just meant a loss of control, which is, of course, terrifying for me. But slowly God has loosened my grip on my life. It's like in those movies where there's a guy gripping a gun with white knuckles and someone very slowly, very gently, and very carefully talks him down, takes his hands in their own and gently releases the guy's grip on the gun. But it's even more powerful because God is saying to me, "You don't need this control for protection. You don't need this gun for protection. I am your protection. I want good things for you!"

In Matthew 7:11 Jesus says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

And then according to Luke 11:13 Jesus says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I LOVE THIS! Everything is identical except "good gifts" versus "the Holy Spirit." And the best part is, this is not a contradiction! The Holy Spirit is SUCH a good gift from the Father! He wants so badly for us to have the fullness of the Spirit! :) I am excited to receive this gift this year.

Hmm... other things about the school. I just got out my syllabus to help me :) I'll list some of the points outlined.

- As a Christian you have the mind of Christ. We want to teach you how to think more than what to think. Therefore, you have permission to use your mind while you are here.

- We expect you to be honest no matter what it costs you. Trust is built on honesty and integrity. Telling half-truths, cheating or lying destroys trust. Trust is the foundation of all good relationships.

- God has called you to BSSM, and our mission is to call out the revivalist in you, which is defined as "a believer who is focused and passionate, willing to pay any price to live in purity and power because they are loved by God and love Him, whose manifest presence transforms lives and cultures." <---- I love this!

- Outreach at BSSMC is at the core of what we do. The type of outreach you are on is not as significant as what you will learn in each outreach. Our goals for you include: learning to share your own personal testimony and lead someone to Christ, confronting fears in dealing with strangers, learning to pray for the sick and giving an encouraging prophetic word to the downhearted. Love, honor and respect are to be the primary motivations in all we do!  <---- So many of these things are on the list I made of my expectations even before I read the syllabus! God knows the plans he has for me...

- BSSMC's environment of freedom requires a high level of self-management. We are creating an ordered culture, but not a controlling one. We are calling out the royalty in one another, not just trying to abstain from sin.  <---- Favorite.

Basically that's the gist. We also have homework (book reports, Bible readings, book readings, etc.) and mission trips and other training opportunities. I just love being here. I don't need anyone to be as excited as I am about my presence here because I am confident that RIGHT NOW I am where God wants me. It is such an amazing feeling! So very freeing and peaceful.

Please, please pray for me! Your prayers help me to grow and remain in truth. This is going to be an amazing year, but it is also going to be one of constant struggle and battle. I've already tasted it. I know I will be waging war against fear this year and that is something I need so much prayer for! Growth doesn't ever take place without a struggle!

If anyone has any questions about the school or anything else, please don't hesitate to ask! I'd love to talk to you about it :)

day one

I have the freedom to dance.